I am a puppet in my own life
Some strings Ive given up myself,
Some have never been in my control ,
And some I never knew even existed until they were yanked!

I could see only sadness in people's eyes...
probably it was just a reflection of my own

This is Why....

Ive always wondered…why are we here??? It sounds like a very staid question …like something that is spoken about in shallow conversations with unknown people to make one sound cool in social do s.
As patent as it may sound…this is something that has always intrigued the human mind which seeks to question everything. You never see a leopard trying to analyze why the moon is full or why it isn’t there…it just uses the moon light or the lack of it to hunt. But humans have understood the moon (or tried to), why it waxes, why it wanes, shroud it in a veil of mystery, made it god and have even touched it’s scarred surface!
Me, being a classical example of a human, also have a perennial question mark in my head. Millions of questions run through my head…some pursued till they are answered, some buried under a pile of “must be because….”, or some just left to be answered on a later date. Similarly, ‘Why are we here’ was a question which I had kept in the “must be because….” category where the because kept changing.
I would wonder, what was the purpose of life anyways……if we are going to die…why do we want so desperately to have a part of us to survive, a desperation which drives us so single mindedly to reproduce????? We are born, we die and in that process, go through our own strife something which none of us is spared from. We lose love, we find love, we have hope and then give up on it completely. Each one of us goes through the same thing which is ironically uniquely different for each one of us. Then why…what is it that we gain, what is it that drives us to make our children go through the same thing???
Well, I guess it’s about the experience. It’s what we feel throughout it all that makes us want to live on…wanting to feel and to share what we feel with those closest to us, to share wonder and amazement which intertwines our life, where every moment feels so powerful like the moment when a man and women, together feel the kick of their unborn child for the first time and stare at each other, with wonder in their eyes and whisper”did u feel that!!”
Al through our life, we are immersed in sensations, where we experience a myriad of feelings, each leaving a mark on us and carving out of the shapeless form of our mind, a beautiful sculpture of our soul.
I have, in my life, experienced some of the most indescribable feelings…some so intense…that they have made me scream , and some so intense….that they left me stunned!! The joy of birth where I celebrated every moment, the sorrow of death which I could do nothing about. The helplessness when I could do something but didn’t, the strength in moments when I couldn’t do anything and didn’t even try. The flutter of dreams in my tummy just waiting to fly out and the comfort of having my dreams come true. The warmth of the tears someone has cried for me, the coldness of the love some people have felt for me, the darkness of the sunny day and the light at the end of the darkest days. The reassurance in a child’s smile, the complete hopelessness of a man’s promise, the jabbing pain of someone’s words, the soothing balm of someone’s tears.
Ive never felt life more strongly than what I felt this weekend. I was staring at a mountain bathed in the light of the setting sun, the wind was running it’s fingers through my hair, my soul was comfortably resting in my arms and I was inhaling his essence with every breath when at that very instant I felt a deep satisfaction in my soul and a thought just flashed through my mind …this is why….this is why god wants me to live, so that I can experience the pure joy life has in store for me in moments such as these..

Nature's Child

The earth is her mother,
She’s the sister of the trees.
The mountains are her guardian,
She sets nature free.

She’s the dancing of the wind,
The ballet of the leaves.
She’s the shout of thunder,
The silence of the breeze.

She plays silently on the sand,
Making little waves on the vast land.
The sea mistakes her silence for subtleness
But subtle…Not She!
She’s not like a daffodil, soft and sweet,
But more like an exotic orchid with vibrant heat!

The wave thrashes, ruining her creation,
Thinking that it is only for recreation.

Around she turns fiery eyed,
Not believing that all she has created has died.

At first, there is no movement in her form,
Then.. the earth trembles, a tempest is born.

She lashes at the sea,
Flings the water in the air,
And there in the heavens she makes appear,
Hades, Orion and the great bear.

A cool breeze blows and calms her down,
And all her anger is reduced to a frown.
The sun warms her face with its honey yellow heat,
The waves ask for forgiveness by lapping at her feet.

A dimple appears on her cheek,
Her face breaks into a smile.
She bounds away from all who seek,
She is nature’s child.
------2002

Far in the horizon the deep blue sea,

Is beckoning and calling me.

Promising, like the future to come,

To be clear, calm and problem free.

But how can I know, how can I tell?

Whether this future is meant to be,

Whether the future actually holds all that it promises to be.

Is it a mirage on the beach?

Disappearing as soon as I reach?

Does it exist? Is it true?

Or is it just a paradise of a fool?

Should I hold on to it?

Should I believe it?

Or should I just forget it and leave it?

I would definitely want to e in that,

If it is what it seems to be.

It can be true, it can be possible,

Just as that clear and muddy water were miscible.

But can 2 such different stages of life so beautifully match?

Or does there always have to be a catch?

Presume that im in it,

Presume that im there…

Will I be happy in it ?

Or will I get a scare?

Give me a hint, give me a sign

My Angel, when I get a choice,

Please help me make up my mind

--- 17^th October 2002

A noose hangs around my neck,

Tightening with every breath.

Thrusting upon me a pain to bear,

Filling me with nothing but despair.

My heart is bursting and there is an aching pain

And I wonder…from this, what will I ever gain?

Standing up there alone, proud and tall

When Id rather in someone’s arms fall.

My hands are searching frantically

I strain to grasp her

She stands stoically, not lifting a finger.

Other’s strain and reach out trying to help me,

Doesn’t she know that she is the closest one who can set me free?

Then someone’s hand I try to clutch,

But then, with a mere whisper of her breath, she breaks the touch.

Im left there hanging on the noose,

Unable to accept help of those who choose,

Those who could help me make it a little loose.

I never wanted all or none,

I was willing to accept whatever little could be done.

Why she thinks I deserve it I will never know

When she only got me into this world to show.

Not liking the results that came,

She put the noose around me and made it my shame.

Now she stands there watching, As time goes by.

As I lose a breath with every sigh.

I cough, I sputter, I try to breathe.

The blissfully I think that the day has come,

When all I will wear around my neck will be a wreath.

-----2002

The Road Less Taken

Suddenly in the middle of the day or at the busiest moment at work …a thought often flashes through my head…am I LIVING my life??

Living for different people mean different things,… for us it means learning new things, doing new things and doing all those things that add to the experiences in life…in short…TRAVELLING……going down the road less taken…..

Lately, it was creeping into most of our conversations…the fear of not living life the way we wanted, the fear of becoming a corporate junkie who at any phase of life would have nothing significant to talk about in terms of experiences, memories but just endless cups of coffee drunk to satisfy sum faceless client for sum “urgent” requirement pretending that it was more urgent than even the most important thing for us…our LIFE!!

In a desperate urgency to live our life we decided to go to Talegaon, …. but like a play with a pre-decided story we helplessly watched the plan go the way we didn’t want to.

Little did we know that this would turn out to be one of the most memorable weekends weve ever spent.

On Wednesday, when we saw the plan was falling apart, we decided to go to Murud

The moment the idea was kindled, it spread uncontrollably and manifested into a raging fire consuming us completely. As surely as we felt that Talegaon would fail, with the same surety we knew that Murud would command a prominent place in the memories of our life (no more prominent though than the moments yet to come)

And so we went, unprepared for what truly awaited us……

I couldn’t have asked for anything better…from the beautiful sunrise over the sea to the cool crisp sea breeze. They were omens of a beautiful time still to come, of dreams turning into reality. The drive from Rewas to Murud was amazing…driving along the beautiful sea, the wind in our hair, the sun kissing our faces…..

Murud was exactly what we wanted it to be…beautiful, pristine and ours…all ours

There was laughter, there was silence, there was pleasure, no pain…there was silence of the waves, there was the music of the sand…….there was peace and deep satisfaction of the soul.

I felt so secure, so happy….the feeling of uninhibited joy vibrated through every part of my being making me complete and filling every hole of melancholy

The day passed not like a dream but like reality…the reality I was living every moment of….

We awoke to a beautiful morning…..…basking in its beauty even before we looked outside

We planned the day over a leisurely cup of coffee, not rushing not hurrying…experiencing for once what it felt like to have time at our mercy

We traveled by a sailboat to a beautiful fortress which stood in the middle of the sea, holding within it souls of people who called it home, burying with its broken walls their love, their deceit, their lives, their secrets forever.

We started our journey back home with the same euphoric high that enveloped us all throughout the trip, winding along the beach lined roads alternating between excitable conversations and companionable silence

Waiting for the ferry we ate raw pickled mangoes, watched t gulls dive and fishermen sorting their catch.

The ferry ride was a perfect end to a perfect trip, watching the sun set over a skyline dotted with buildings, the breeze getting cooler and warm caresses

A cup of coffee and apple cake sealed the day and titillated our senses, stimulating us to feel what we felt all over again.

Its such a blessing to have a best friend who is as high on life as you are…who is willing to indulge your dreams and enjoy them with you becoz he has the same ones….who has no inhibitions and is willing to live life on an impulse. Who loves to go, as much as you do…. on the road less taken